remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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