there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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