So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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