I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
