Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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