OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize