god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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