If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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