Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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