The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
