Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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