I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
