1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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