ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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