I checked into jail on foursquare
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
