Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
i've created a new STD.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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