have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My liver just had a heart attack.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
