I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
