You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
