Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
