Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
