So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
