listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
