i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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