So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
