i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
this hospital has no fireball
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
