the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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