Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
