Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
time to smoke my breakfast
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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