My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
