i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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