now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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