considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
how does that bad decision feel?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
