I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
