So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
