Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
