I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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