Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
