Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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