I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
