If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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