i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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