There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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