i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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