i just had sex bonerless
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
