Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize