if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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