Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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