she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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