There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
