Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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