Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
