My hand turned me down
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Is Oprah even human
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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