dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The air taste purple.
Randomize