she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize