My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
