He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize