There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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